One Uterus For Sale

What I thought I had avoided hit my household. My teenager did the dreaded sneaking out of the house deed. And like most teenagers he was cold busted.

The evening was odd to begin with. I kept hearing noises that I thought were coming from upstairs or the garage. Every time I asked, “What is that noise?” both kids responded simultaneously “Nothing.” By this point I really did think it sounded like someone messing with the window. Hmm.

Then the teenager came downstairs a few times in a two-hour period and said he wasn’t feeling well and that he was going to go to bed early. It was now 8 p.m. when he last came downstairs to reiterate that he was not feeling well and was going to go to bed. Yea that’s not red flag. First of all my teenager doesn’t get sick, ever. No, I mean like EVER! He has never had an ear infection, a common cold, a fever, flu symptoms, a cavity, nothing, and that has always intrigued me. Second, my teenager doesn’t skip out on dinner and he had refused to have dinner because he was ‘not feeling well.’ Lastly, he just seemed odd and my mama radar was on high alert because I knew this boy was up to something.

Always trust your gut with teenagers. Remember they are no longer your precious little babies that you once held in your arms, snuggled with, and who came to you because you knew everything. They are now the enemy plotting to age you and make you insane with their antics.

Nonetheless we settled in for the night like we normally do. Around 10:30 p.m. I felt the urge to get out of bed and check on the kids. I opened our bedroom door. It was closed because a little bow chica bow wow was going on. Never have sex when dealing with a teenager situation it will always screw you, no pun intended. I opened the door and I was hit with a cold blast. WTF? Why the hell is it so damn cold? And then it hit me… this little monkey ass fool snuck out. I walked the long walk down the hall already knowing what I was going to find.

I turned on his bedroom light and I knew the lump under his covers was pillows or clothes. So unoriginal. His bedroom window was cracked and he was gone. I closed and locked the window, went to wake up the Mr., and then sent a text to the teenager that read, “If you have any sense your fucking ass better be here in 10 minutes or I’m sending the police after you.” To which he responded, “I’m far mom.”

Ugh.

I called him and he told me where he was and I suppose the right thing to do would be to pick him up but I was infuriated and I figured he got to his destination by walking so walk your ass right on back. It was about a 45-minute walk and sadly for the teenager he had just made it to his destination when he was busted and had to turn around. I admit I was taking a gamble by not picking him up and I was worried that he might decide to stay out and think to himself ‘fuck it I’m already out and in trouble might as well go out with a bang.’ Like I would have done. Thankfully he didn’t.

While I waited I tossed his room like I was a prison guard working cellblock B. I dumped drawers, went through papers, and yes tossed his bed. I didn’t find anything to put me on higher alert. I took the T.V., stereo, PS3, and Wii from his room and locked them up. I had the Mr. take the door off the hinges and when the teenager got home I would confiscate his cell phone and iPod.

I sat down and waited and laughed. Was I really sitting here going through this? This exact thing I put my parents through? But I was much smarter [patting myself on the back]. I don’t think I got caught the first go, or fifth or sixth either, which is why I knew the signs. And lets not forget all the times that I wasn’t just sneaking out but sneaking someone in – my husband. Hell this is how I got this child that was now infuriating me by sneaking out. Ironic. And note to self we need bars on the kid’s windows.

When IG got home we had a long chat. I went over all the ‘what ifs’ that could have happened to him. I gave him the ‘I’m so disappointed in you speech’. I lectured on how he had taken 10 steps backwards in earning our trust. The teenager responded by telling me that he wanted to go to this party. I asked,  “Why didn’t you just ask to go?” He said very sadly, “Because I know you. You will want to talk to the parent or meet them. There wasn’t going to be a parent there. I just wanted to be like all the other teenagers and be able to go. I wanted to be a teenager tonight. Their parents are not as strict as you. I have it so hard.”

Awe. Poor little guy. NOT.

I said, “So you want me to be a parent who doesn’t care where you are? That’s fine. I can be that parent who doesn’t care. But you need to understand if I’m not going to care then it will be about EVERYTHING and you can’t pick and choose so I suggest you figure out how to pay for your school lunches, your bus pass, the $250 your coach needs, your school clothes/shoes, hygiene products, and meals. You ready to have no one care?”

He shook his head no and I said, “I didn’t think so.” I also explained that house parties would probably never, ever, ever happen for him so long as he is under my roof. I won’t be saying yes unless I have met with the parents and know what kind of crowd is there. Truth be told I would rather he be at a club than a house party because too much shit goes down at house parties.

He sighed. I sighed.

I gave him his consequences for two weeks. I let him know if he ever did this again that window would be locked so don’t plan on coming back. We went to bed exhausted and today he is doing some major chores while I put my feet up.

Long sigh.